I was 14 when I watched Clare, my 44 year old mum, collapse and pass away. She was my favourite person, my sense of home, my safe space, the centre of mine, my siblings and father’s world. She was fun and adventurous, loving and kind, sweet and compassionate. She was a lot of things to a lot of people, but to me she was just my mum and I freakin' loved her. She is who I model my mothering off of, while I am sure I fail frequently, I try to be all that Clare was. I hope my kids, Mia and Aiden, know how much they are loved and how I am cherishing every moment with them, and it makes me sad they don’t get to know her or have a relationship with her.
The1st of January 1997 is the day my world changed forever. My story is sad and tragic, like everyone’s in this unfortunate club we are in, and it’s full of unresolved trauma that I recognise now. Mum literally collapsed and died in front of me doing some random household chore. I called an ambulance, but they couldn’t locate our newly built house in a new part of our regional town. The minutes felt like hours waiting for the ambulance, trying unsuccessfully to keep her alive. Of course, by the time they got there she was already dead. Medical professionals have since told me by the time she hit the floor she was dead.
As a 14 year old girl I was so sad and angry and shocked she died. To be fair, as a 42 year old woman I am still sad and mad she died. It is terrifying and life altering having your mum die, and I don’t think we, as a society, appreciate this enough. My mum was my most avid supporter. I was a slightly above average sportswoman, swimming in particular was my jam, and we spent so many hours travelling to training, carnivals and club nights. She took me everywhere and got involved in everything - nothing was out reach or too hard. She made anything possible, this is my most treasured memory.
I feel lucky to have had that one-on-one time with her, as being one of three kids and farmers, any time alone was special. Once mum died, I stopped swimming, but I do swim occasionally now and it’s how I feel close and connected to her. My dad also died a few short years later, I think of a broken heart – that was the impact Clare had. I was barely 18 and didn’t have any parents. My sister and I became each other’s person. It’s lovely, but sad we had to be.
I am so proud of myself, having navigated all of my adult life without parents. It’s still fair to say it’s been shit at times and so very hard. Not having a mum to do all the things with is hard. No one to ask all the questions, share all the news with, ask health related questions, baby / children related questions, no babysitting, no grandparents days, or just to hang out. Mum was a really good cook, I miss the foods she made, I miss them so much. I have tried many times to recreate her pineapple tart recipe, but I can’t get it right and it’s so frustrating to not be able to call and ask her about it.
I have recently started writing Birthday and Mother’s Day cards to Mum. I don’t know why I didn’t do this earlier, but it has given me a beautiful outlet and also a sense of attachment and celebration of her.
There was no organisation or real help for me or my family in our grieving process in1997. I know any support from an organisation like Motherless Daughters Australia (MDA) would have helped me so much, not just when she passed away, but throughout my life. The sense of community I have gained since joining MDA is unbelieve, so thank you for creating this beautiful space for all of us. I love I get the chance to say her name again, so thank you MDA. Clare Jensen was loved and cherished and is so missed. She will never be forgotten.
