My mum Vicky, she was the bee's knees. Mum was brave, funny, strong, kind, caring and thankfully she was my mum. She lived her whole life dedicated to my sister and I. After becoming a widow in her 30’s she did everything in her power to be the best mum she could be to her girls. How lucky was I?
After beating leukemia 9 years ago, she lived with the constant reminder that it could return. So, when it did return in November 2019, she put her ‘it will be right’ face on and got organised to take it on once again. The doctor set the plan and she was in hospital a few weeks later to begin chemo. Soon into her treatment I knew this time was different, her spark that she had, was gone. She began to get sick with infections and as they continued, she just didn’t seem to have the same fight in her. She hardly ate and rarely got out of bed. My sister and I were the only reason that she was still here.
After a big surgery to remove a fungus on her lung, we were soon given the tough news that it had grown back, and they couldn’t continue chemo until it was gone. It soon became obvious that it wasn’t going to ever go away. Mum made the brave decision to end all treatment and come home to spend her final two weeks with her girls.
We were lucky enough to spend two amazing weeks with Mum in hospital and when she took her final breath, she had her girls right there, holding her hand. As she let one lonely tear roll out, we knew that was her way of saying, I don’t want to leave my girls, but I am finally free.
Just like that, my new life without my mum began. I didn’t know what this new life was going to look like, but I knew one thing. I was going to choose to live my life for not only myself but also for my mum.
I can’t change or control what happened to my mum, but I can control how I respond to it. Mum wouldn’t want me to be sad all the time, she wouldn’t want me to stop living. So, with that in mind, I choose to live my life with gratitude and joy.
This doesn’t mean that I don’t struggle with the pain of losing my mum, because I do. A piece of my heart will always be missing, but I focus on that strength that my Mum left in me to keep moving forward. When I have kids, get married, have birthdays or the many other milestones that Mum won’t be here for, my heart will ache a little harder those days, but I will always come back to my gratitude. How lucky was I to have such an amazing mum that loved me so dearly, she was my person for 33 years and I am who I am because of her legacy she left in me.
I will never get over the loss of my mum, but I will be ok here without her.
Our mums are always with us and the times we forget that, we just have to look at ourselves, because she is in us.
Remember, it is possible to have gratitude & joy in grief if you allow yourself to.
